B A N G ! ! !

my specimens are ready to be tested. we did the first trial this morning but the testing machine can't plot the graph on the screen. it might be because of the value that's so small, i don't know really. i'm starting to be hopeless. i wanna cry. and i am now crying :((

what if? omigosh! i don't wanna think about it. i don't know what's next. i need a handkerchief. i need comfort. i need motivation. i need words of wisdom. i need a hug. i need some advice. i need encouragement. i need time. yeah, i need time... to think! do i still need to go on? what for?

i'm tired. i hope the world hears me. i get tired too. see? i'm a looser right now. i feel so bad, really bad!

if i still have a second life, i'd kill myself!
BANG!

THeSis 101

Tensile and Flexural Strength of Fibercrete Boards made from
Pineapple Fibers

The main objective of this study is to determine the tensile and flexural strength of a fiber concrete board with pineapple fibers from agricultural waste and determine its acceptability to be used as an alternative construction material.
The tensile and flexural strengths are measured from forty-eight (48) fiberboard specimens: twelve (12) specimens for tensile strength parallel to surface; twelve (12) specimens for tensile strength perpendicular to surface; twelve (12) specimens for flexural strength faced up; and twelve (12) specimens for flexural strength faced down. All specimens undergo curing in water for at least 28 days. Specimens taken from a commercial fiberboard, particularly a 6 mm Hardiflex board, are also tested.
Six (6) classes of mixtures with a thickness of 6 mm and 12 mm, with cement-sand ratio of 1:2, mixed with an increasing 0%, 1%, 2%, 3%, 4%, and 5% cement-pineapple fiber ratio, and 0.8 water-cement ratio are prepared. The moisture content, apparent specific gravity and absorption of both the ground sand and cut pineapple fibers are also determined. The tensile strengths of pure pineapple fibers in single-strand and three-strand categories are also noted.
Tests are conducted using the Universal Testing Machine (UTM) of the NDDU Engineering Laboratory and results show that (a) the 2%, 3%, 4%, and 5% pineapple fiber–cement ratio for the 6-mm specimen reach both the required tensile and flexural strengths of fiberboards, (b) the 3%, 4%, and 5% pineapple fiber–cement ratio for the 12-mm specimen reach both the required tensile and flexural strengths of fiberboards, (c) such mixtures are interpreted as acceptable to be used as an alternative construction material, and (d) using pineapple fibers as an admixture is one of the ways in recycling it.

tHoUgHtz fRoM nOwHerE... in short, maLiNg aKaLa :))

Nothing compares to you coz you make me feel so special. You always start and end your day remembering me. No one has ever made me feel this way before. I have died several times but you kept me alive with your love and concern. Thank you for being so thoughtful and caring.

Nobody is perfect in this world but for me, you are almost close to perfection. You always complement the flaws I had within me. Sometimes, I also see myself in you and it made me understand myself more. You always bring out the best in me. Thank you for teaching me to believe in myself and to trust in God all the time.

My life would never have been complete without knowing you. You’re indeed a blessing to me and I am so thankful you came into my life. I may have been defeated by destiny but because I am inspired by you, I am still ready to face life’s challenges knowing you’re always beside me.

what kind of fool am i?

why do i spend time doing unnecessary things?
why do i keep on planning without implementing?
how many promises have I made but left unfulfilled and broken?
why do i keep on crying over things i can never change?
how much time have i spent thinking of people who doesn't remember me at all?
why do i still keep on giving even if it hurts?
why do i love those people who don't even care?
why do i keep on waiting?
what am i expecting?

WHY?
Can you please tell me...

mY fiRst and laSt miStaKe..

I love you. Just let me love you.

Don’t ask me why for I can’t give you exact reasons. I myself don’t even know why. Why you?

Don’t ask me how because I can not explain. I just realized it without any warning or symptoms.

Don’t ask me when because everything happened spontaneously. I was falling. I just simply fell.

Don’t ask me where because we’ve been to different places together and those places will never be forgotten because of you.

I tried so hard to resist and divert my feelings for you but I always loose the battle. The moments I had with you were both a pleasure and an agony. A pleasure because the feeling was great and my energy is always at the maximum and an agony because I was so guilty because I am married. It is a challenge for me to keep myself sane despite of your heart-pounding gestures. If you only knew that every little thing you say, you give and you do means a lot to me.

I am now caught in a limbo and I blame no one but you! Why you? Suppressing my feelings was no good. Let the heavens punish me for I am still loving you despite of the negative illusions I invented just to discourage me and ‘unlove’ you. I’m in a dilemma right now. If you only knew but I choose not to let you know because I am contented with the way things are: you, loving me as a friend and me, wishing you love me more.

I have no regrets because I believe all things will fall into right places someday. Perhaps God has a purpose.

I am so vulnerable. You are so indispensable.

I love you. Just let me love you.

I do hope that someday I will be able to forget the feelings I have for you so that when we meet again, I can look straight into your eyes and say, “I’m so glad we’re friends”.

kELaN?

ooops! there you go again... d'ya think i can't live without you? you were once an inspiration but now you become a distraction. kung bakit kasi nasanay akong lagi kang nandyan. is this what you really wanted? life is tedious without you. nakakapagod magpaypay. you made me feel so empty. it feels like i can't breath without you. i thought i was the one who is unpredictable. how come now its you? i thought you'd stay. this is a real bad surprise for me. you have all the means to explain your silence but you did not. alam mo namang takot ako sa dilim. why are you doing all these to me?

i tried to reach out to you but your silence was deafening. medyo naiinsulto na ako sa ginagawa mo ha. okay, fine! it's now clear and everything's well taken. don't worry, i'll survive living this life without you. though i find it hard to accept that you're gone, i'll do my best to move on. i feel so empty without you around. what's even worse, i don't know when will you be back. or babalik ka pa ba?

kELaN? aNonG oRaS?

tO hEavEN wiTh LoVE...

papang.. popsy.. the first man in my life..

how i missed you! a short gaze at your picture makes me cry. i miss your laughter and your voice when you sing.

i fixed the keyboard's adaptor and it's okay now. i hope you heard me sing and play your favorite songs - moonriver, ikaw, i'll always love you, and song for anna. i thought i forgot the musical pieces we once played but my fingers still ran through the keys smoothly. i still play the guitar but it hurts my fingers already.

i'm wondering what keeps you busy up there now. i know the heavenly bodies are taking care of you and you're not in pain anymore. we're happy for you at least. i know you missed us too, especially momsy. do not worry. we'll take care of her.

i miss the way you call me 'pangga' and i missed the way you loved and took care of me. i missed your menu in the kitchen too. its only your cigarette that i don't miss. i still read a lot of books and you know, i always find time to sing now and i often get a score of 100. you're right. i really have a nice voice, hehehe.

though you've changed residence, i could still feel your presence. please continue to watch over us. we still have a lot of polishings to undergo. the world is a little bit sick now and there are lots of calamities anywhere. see? you are luckier. i didn't mean we wanna follow you soon ha. HE's in charge of everything and let His will be done.

see you in my dreams papang. enjoy recalling the good memories with us. we love you so much and we always will.

your one and only,
palanggingging


PS. i seldom drink coffee now but ice cream is still my favorite...

dO i kNoW yOu ?

i received a text message just this morning...

isa lang ang tumatakbo sa utak ko.. and kapal ng mukha mo! it was December 2006 when my cousin, Johannah, left our house and that ended my generosity, by choice.

i started working as a college professor in the year 1997 and that was also the time when i started sending my cousins to school. i could have felt more guilty if i did not for i was an advocate for education.

Rommel was the first in line. He enrolled at NDDU-MTTP as a machinist for one year but after he graduated, he got married.

Next, is Rona. She was with me since first year high school until college. She took up HRM at GSCIT but during her second year in college, i decided to send her back home to Negros Occidental because of attitudinal problems. Sad to say, Rona got pregnant twice and married a 'whatever' after having two kids.

Next, is Frenie. I had to help her become a working student at NDDU for us to survive financially. I already had two children by that time na parehong nagadede. On the last semester before graduation, she got pregnant but eventually, she really did finish her course, Computer Science, and settled down.

i had a few heart aches and resentments and the sacrifices i made were not that rewarding but still i said, one more time! it still feels good to help..

here comes johannah.. among the others, she was the worst. she haven't passed the exams for working students at NDDU but still i enrolled her. she took up Food Technology and her course was quite expensive because of so many baking and cooking sessions. She was supposed to graduate by March 2007 but by December 2006, she asked permission to go to Manila to visit her mother na namamasukan as katulong. i told her to wait for summer na lang. i needed her to stay because i'm giving birth to my third baby by January. we had no extra money and better yet, if they'll just save her fare for her sister's tuition fee. later, her mother called me up explaining why i should allow her daughter to have a grand vacation with her. i begged and made a bargain but she didn't give in. i was just shocked when she told my mother na inaalila daw namin ang anak niya. bakit kelangan pa nya akong siraan sa nanay ko? my mother knew me at siyempre, my parents knew the truth. to cut the story short, nag-away ang mga parents namin. and so, johannah left without saying a word. punyeta! kung hindi lang ako buntis that time, pupuntahan ko sila para pagsampalsampalin! yun ba ang kapalit sa lahat ng mga sakripisyo ko? it was very painful on my part kasi i carried a cross that's not mine but in the end, ako pa ang masama. natauhan ako at yun ang pinakamagandang ginawa ng pinsan ko. i realized that after all, i cannot dream dreams for other people. ang tanga ko talaga, ako at ang parents ko. we could have lived a better life and invest on other things.

walang hiya silang lahat! eldest ang mother ko among five siblings and ever since my world began, my parents are financially supporting them na. kahit nga yung para sa akin siguro napupunta pa sa kanila. may mga apo na ang parents ko pero parang mga linta pa rin sila. kung makahingi ng pera akala mo ay may pinatago sila. puchaks naman!

hayun at namatay na lang ang tatay ko. may naitulong ba sila sa amin? i've been to Negros several times and i have seen their lifestyle. super tamad! they end their days without doing anything. hinding hindi na ako babalik doon. to hell with you!

going back to the text message. my cousin, Johannah, is asking for her transcript of records from NDDU kasi mag-aapply daw siya sa MOA. kapalmuks jud.. haler! may utang pa siyang 6000+ sa school noh! when she left three years ago, dropped lahat ng subjects niya and i have just paid 5000 for enrollment na niloan ko pa sa paluwagan that time.

imagine? when i remember those times na nagkagulo ang pamilya namin, i become a monster. and that was the time when i said, "dili na jud ko mousab!" its time for me to paddle my own canoe..

and my reply to johannah's text message was : do i know you?