the day that i'll die?! (posted a year ago : April 26, 2009)

_when I was still in high school, I've been dreaming the same dream...and that same dream repeated more than three times already until college...in that dream, I was inside a coffin and in the wake, it was clearly written:

BORN: August 6, 1974

DIED : April 27, _______

_quite hard to explain and it tests my faith in Him...may Your will be done Oh God! So, to make this date meaningful, I made this day a start of a new life and as practiced, I list all my blessings and I do "self inventory"...this is also the day my mother and my husband fear so much...more than I do! But of course, ako din, for my three kids...and probably, this day is one of the days that my family prays so hard :)

...mysterious for me, but I believe that that dream has a purpose...maybe to remind me that I am not immortal; ...to tell me that I have to live life to the fullest; ...to cherish all things, people, places and experiences that I encounter; and to trust God in all things...i was never perfect and i will never be but i know His compassion and mercy will spare me from an "unhappy ending"...

...but i wish...not now, not yet...

B A N G ! ! !

my specimens are ready to be tested. we did the first trial this morning but the testing machine can't plot the graph on the screen. it might be because of the value that's so small, i don't know really. i'm starting to be hopeless. i wanna cry. and i am now crying :((

what if? omigosh! i don't wanna think about it. i don't know what's next. i need a handkerchief. i need comfort. i need motivation. i need words of wisdom. i need a hug. i need some advice. i need encouragement. i need time. yeah, i need time... to think! do i still need to go on? what for?

i'm tired. i hope the world hears me. i get tired too. see? i'm a looser right now. i feel so bad, really bad!

if i still have a second life, i'd kill myself!
BANG!

tO hEavEN wiTh LoVE...

papang.. popsy.. the first man in my life..

how i missed you! a short gaze at your picture makes me cry. i miss your laughter and your voice when you sing.

i fixed the keyboard's adaptor and it's okay now. i hope you heard me sing and play your favorite songs - moonriver, ikaw, i'll always love you, and song for anna. i thought i forgot the musical pieces we once played but my fingers still ran through the keys smoothly. i still play the guitar but it hurts my fingers already.

i'm wondering what keeps you busy up there now. i know the heavenly bodies are taking care of you and you're not in pain anymore. we're happy for you at least. i know you missed us too, especially momsy. do not worry. we'll take care of her.

i miss the way you call me 'pangga' and i missed the way you loved and took care of me. i missed your menu in the kitchen too. its only your cigarette that i don't miss. i still read a lot of books and you know, i always find time to sing now and i often get a score of 100. you're right. i really have a nice voice, hehehe.

though you've changed residence, i could still feel your presence. please continue to watch over us. we still have a lot of polishings to undergo. the world is a little bit sick now and there are lots of calamities anywhere. see? you are luckier. i didn't mean we wanna follow you soon ha. HE's in charge of everything and let His will be done.

see you in my dreams papang. enjoy recalling the good memories with us. we love you so much and we always will.

your one and only,
palanggingging


PS. i seldom drink coffee now but ice cream is still my favorite...

a reason to live

2009: everybody's dying! my grandmother, my father, my nephew, my grandfather, one of my friends from high school, three from my neighborhood...and i was grieving. my heart breaks thinking of that big loss.

life has to go on..i've known and heard this adage many times but the question is: HOW?

i never yearned to become rich until the time when my beloved father died from renal failure. it was then that i realized that only the rich people have the right to become sick. i felt so small thinking that cadavers can't be checked out without paying the hospital in full or least, have a guarantor to stand before the claimants. i was bursting in tears seeing my father's body wrapped in white cloth, waiting to be picked up by the time i could find a way... i didn't know how. i am an only child and our relatives are miles away from where we live. it pains me seeing my mother crying on her knees not knowing what to do. i have never felt that agony before and i hated it so much.

i promised myself to be strong. sympathies from friends are helpful but the drive to stay and look calm must come from within me. God has been always with us and prayer was my only weapon. 2009 was a year worth reflecting but i'm not sure if its worth remembering..

right now, i'm pushing my whole being to move on! slow as it might be but i'm hopeful.. this is LIFE! this is a gift- *supposed to be* a priceless opportunity and it must be ended beautifully in His time.

i have countless reasons to live: my mother, my husband, my kids, my friends, my job, my students, the lessons in life that i need to learn, the experiences that i deserve to undergo, and the endless blessings that is yet to come.

i now have a clearer picture of the things that really matters to me.. outlooks will be changed, directions will be detoured, plans will be redirected.. but still, let His will be done.

time heals and as long as there are stars in the skies, there will always be faith, hope and love in my heart.