mood swings

September 21, 2009 (Iligan City)

GET OFF ME!

As I write this now, anger and hatred dominates my whole being. I don’t usually get angry, it’s very very seldom…but now, my heart beats like a drum…bull’s shit! What have I done? I feel like I’m worth a centavo…I just simply hate myself!!! If I have only have an extra life, I wanna die right now, right here…but why? I can’t remember feeling this way before…Life is a battle and I fear I’m loosing…I have to sleep, I’d better sleep…Please leave me alone!

I’M BACK and I’VE LEARNED…

It’s been more than 48 hours after a bad day…hahaha! I feel better now…how crazy I was to think of foolish things! I’m a fighter and I’ll never let anyone make me feel inferior. I stumbled, fell and crashed but I survived. I’m living a new life now. I’m stronger. I don’t hate anybody, it’s not in my vocabulary…perhaps it was my fault. Anything that is too much is harmful - to the mind, body and spirit…God loves me so much and I realized how blessed I am. Maybe I need to feel that awkward loneliness and helplessness just to assess my self-worth. I’m PRICELESS! Yeah, I’m priceless and I feel good, or shall I say : better!

I thought I’d be hopeless. I was wrong. I’m just too sensitive. But I can’t change that with just one click, tsk! (in God’s time maybe…) I believe there’s nothing wrong with that. There are just some people I am not compatible with. It’s a reality and I have to face it. I was not born to satisfy everyone and so, are they. If it’s not meant to be, it will never be…I found myself again – the hopeful ‘ME’…

a second chance...

..we all make mistakes…in fact, if i had a peso for every mistake I’ve made in my life, I’d be able to single-handedly pay off the country’s debt!

I knew that nobody’s perfect but knowing that fact is not as significant as accepting and forgiving ourselves. I owe this positive outlook to those friends who thought that I was a good egg even though they know that I was slightly cracked… God has been so really good to me. He healed my broken heart after I gave Him all the pieces and even if its quite late, so it seems, I have gone out of my shell, see the beautiful world around me, and reach out to others…I was always a late bloomer!
We all deserve a second chance… At a certain point in my life, I have never felt so lonely until I realized that I’m missing a lot of things. I’ve eaten all the food laid on my ‘table of life’ but I haven’t savored the taste of each menu. But…how could I be lonely with the exploding population around me? Ahhh…it must have been the ‘path’ I have chosen…I believe I’ve chosen a good path but maybe, I was half asleep during the trip.

Midlife Crisis? Could be…but I have to move on. God gives burdens, and also shoulders…I used to look for a towel or a handkerchief, beat my bed, or scream until tears flow like waterfalls, hehe!, every time I feel bad… but this was long before I realized that I am not alone in this awfully wide world…

All we need is TO GIVE WHAT WE WANT…respect, friendship, happiness, thoughtfulness, time and love…unconditionally!!! Let us not be lousy…we have to live life to the ‘foolest’, take risks and soar higher… and we’ll soon find out that we can do more, do better and be the best that we can be!

Happiness is indeed a choice!